DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction – nothing below is true or ever will be true. Do not take as medical advice.
WDDTY Nov 2013 – Embargoed until October 31st
Cancer cells confused by memory molecules
Doctors would have you believe that to treat your cancer you need to poison your body with toxic petrochemicals that do more harm than good. But now there is significant evidence that homeopathy – a billion year old treatment – could be far better than chemo at delivering a knock-out punch to cancer.
Research carried out by ‘Dr’ Buller S. Hitenberg at the Quasar University And Chopra Knowledge centre has finally demonstrated not only does homeopathy cure cancer – but how it works. Before now the ‘medical community’ has refused to accept homeopathy as a treatment for ‘cancer’ because there was no ‘evidence’ to ‘prove’ its ‘efficacy’.
This new research proves 100% that homeopathy cures all cancer at least 99% of the time. Compared to chemo rates (which work only 2% of the time and kill nearly 98% of all hospital admissions) this represents an increase of more than 100,000 times.
Commenting on the research ‘Dr’ B.S Hitenberg said:
“This is a remarkable breakthrough in the way we treat cancer. We gave 50,000 cancer patients with 27 different cancer types one highly diluted dose of homeopathy – and 99% of them showed complete regression. We also believe that the 1% not cured didn’t actually have cancer – we have data to prove this.”
The research team also discovered just how homeopathy was curing cancer. They describe how cancer cells became flustered when presented with water molecules retaining the memory of a carcinogen.
“It seemed to confuse the cells. They normally stick together and talk to each other but when they see these memory molecules they get disorientated and don’t know what to do. Eventually they just sort of go back to being normal and stop being so cancerous”.
A spokesperson from the charity Homeopathy for Hominids said:
“I’m so pleased that homeopathy has been proven to cure cancer. We’ve been telling people forever that homeopathy works and no one would listen. Big Pharma has always had a monopoly on the market and organisations they fund like Sense about Science, British Pharmaceutical Association, Simon Singh Corporation, The Times, Greggs and J.D Wetherspoons have always tried to silence us.”
This research marks a historic comeback for alternative medicine and it is expected that the NHS will soon be unveiling homeopathy clinics all across the country.
Sense about Science, British Pharmaceutical Association, Simon Singh Corporation, The Times, Greggs and J.D Wetherspoons could not be reached for comment.